Blog #112 – Evolutionary Advantage (Part 1): The High Cost of Being Normal

Walk through any forest and you will not find “normal.” You will find variation. Imperfection. Experiment. Wild edges. Nothing is trying to blend in. Everything is trying to survive—and, in its own way, to thrive.

Normal is not neutral. Normal is not natural.

A few days ago, I caught myself mid-thought, and the phrase running through my head was this:

I should have…

You know the rest. I should have taken that opportunity. I should have stayed. Left sooner. Tried harder. Wanted less. Been more.

And then there’s the other voice:

I should be…

More disciplined. More relevant. More put together. More… normal.

We are all fluent in “should.” Skilled at reading the room, adjusting our tone, and staying inside the lines. In short, being normal.

Being “normal” bought us belonging. Perfectionism bought us approval. But here’s the open secret: Normal is a moving target with no finish line.

Darwin didn’t study “normal.” He studied variation. In nature, there is no gold standard organism that everything else tries to copy. There is only difference—endless, creative, sometimes awkward difference. That’s what allows life to survive.

So let’s be clear about what we mean by “normal.” Normal is the quiet social compact to not stand out too much, not challenge too directly, not want too boldly, and not change too visibly. And again—it worked.

But here’s the problem: What helps you fit in does not always help you adapt.

In biology, systems that become too uniform—too optimized for one set of conditions—don’t become stronger. They become fragile. A field planted with one crop may look orderly, efficient, even beautiful. Until a single pest or drought arrives. Then everything goes.

The same principle applies in our lives. When everything is structured around being appropriate, agreeable, and acceptable, we lose flexibility. We lose range. We lose the ability to respond when life inevitably shifts.

We older women know that “normal” was never the goal. It was a strategy. A strategy that no longer serves our lives. It’s time for a recalibration.

1.      Notice Where You Default to “Normal.” Watch for the softened opinion, the extra explanation, or that tiny moment of self-correction. Just notice. Awareness is the first shift.

2.      Disrupt One “Should” Every Day. Leave the email imperfect. Say what you actually mean. Choose what feels true over what looks acceptable. Small deviations restore range.

3.      Question the Standard. When you catch yourself thinking “should,” ask: According to whom? And does that standard still serve the woman I am becoming?

4.      Let One Thing Be Unresolved. Perfectionism thrives on closure. Life doesn’t. Leave something unfinished, open, in progress. That’s where possibility lives.

We spent years learning how to be acceptable. How to be good. Yet there comes a point when “normal” costs more than it gives. When fitting in begins to feel like disappearing. That is the moment evolution quietly nudges us. Not toward better. Not toward perfect. But toward something far more alive.

Toward you.